These haikus, so mean/We're on the Highway to Hell/Making fun of kids
About two weeks ago, I wrote a haiku:
Britney, why so sad?
You still have your Mercedes
To kill people with
Granted, she was in the hospital at the time, receiving necessary care and medication — and not driving. But still, I felt inspired — even nostalgic, if you will. So I wrote a poem that's so six weeks ago. I hope you enjoyed it.
You see, working at a celebrity magazine, we are on the front lines of star fashion, gossip, business deals, and overprivileged babymaking. An environment such as this and the bizarre hours we operate call for serious survival mechanisms. My survival technique of late? Inappropriate poetry.
Case in point: one Dannielynn Hope Marshall Anna Nicole Smith Marshall Smith Mexia Birkhead Smith, who just underwent eye surgery to correct strabismus, commonly known as "lazy eye." (An ailment the Garfields know a thing or two about. Hott!) Lisa and I got a little punchy, it's a long day (my schedule today is, roughly, 10 a.m. until borderline-sunup tomorrow), and in a fit of solidarity with the pains that poor little Dannielynn faces under the watchful eye of the media and the famewhoring paws of her father, we decided to offer the tot some syllabic guidance. The sweet thing needs all the help she can get, and I truly mean that from the bottom of my cold, jaded heart. Herewith:
The Smith Girl: Haikus and Eye Goo
(I started it with an e-mail, Lisa responded, and we took turns from there)
Dannielynn Birkhead
Who, what are you looking at?
Cross eyes: confusing
Little Dannielynn
My unsolicited advice
Is to look nowhere
Little Birkhead child
Look not upon your father
Or anywhere else
With those googly eyes
A famously dead druggie mom
And name, kid, you're screwed
Frosted tips, fish lips
Cameras in the O.R.
Flee your dad! Dickhead
We were fortunate to receive a contribution from Lisa's friend Peri:
Left eye equals: "trailer"
Right eye equals: "park"
Kid's destiny
Since I'm sensing a theme, here's another, for a new thread:
Paris, your stink-eye!
Is it your odor that makes
Your face go like that?
Feel free to contribute. This is nothing if not a forum for all you creative types.
Britney, why so sad?
You still have your Mercedes
To kill people with
Granted, she was in the hospital at the time, receiving necessary care and medication — and not driving. But still, I felt inspired — even nostalgic, if you will. So I wrote a poem that's so six weeks ago. I hope you enjoyed it.
You see, working at a celebrity magazine, we are on the front lines of star fashion, gossip, business deals, and overprivileged babymaking. An environment such as this and the bizarre hours we operate call for serious survival mechanisms. My survival technique of late? Inappropriate poetry.
Case in point: one Dannielynn Hope Marshall Anna Nicole Smith Marshall Smith Mexia Birkhead Smith, who just underwent eye surgery to correct strabismus, commonly known as "lazy eye." (An ailment the Garfields know a thing or two about. Hott!) Lisa and I got a little punchy, it's a long day (my schedule today is, roughly, 10 a.m. until borderline-sunup tomorrow), and in a fit of solidarity with the pains that poor little Dannielynn faces under the watchful eye of the media and the famewhoring paws of her father, we decided to offer the tot some syllabic guidance. The sweet thing needs all the help she can get, and I truly mean that from the bottom of my cold, jaded heart. Herewith:
The Smith Girl: Haikus and Eye Goo
(I started it with an e-mail, Lisa responded, and we took turns from there)
Dannielynn Birkhead
Who, what are you looking at?
Cross eyes: confusing
Little Dannielynn
My unsolicited advice
Is to look nowhere
Little Birkhead child
Look not upon your father
Or anywhere else
With those googly eyes
A famously dead druggie mom
And name, kid, you're screwed
Frosted tips, fish lips
Cameras in the O.R.
Flee your dad! Dickhead
We were fortunate to receive a contribution from Lisa's friend Peri:
Left eye equals: "trailer"
Right eye equals: "park"
Kid's destiny
Since I'm sensing a theme, here's another, for a new thread:
Paris, your stink-eye!
Is it your odor that makes
Your face go like that?
Feel free to contribute. This is nothing if not a forum for all you creative types.
Labels: friends, pop culture, work
posted by Marla at 5:29 PM
8 Comments:
I'm dyin' over here! It almost makes me wish I was at work with you right now. Almost.
midtown folly prevails
we dance on celeb carnage
our karma will suck
Paris, Lindsay,
Mary Kate, Ashley, Jess.
Go away. Stay away. Please.
Bula- can you write a haiku about Paris's new hippy guru guy?
Awesome. "Look not upon your father" keeps making me laugh. Also "Cross eyes: confusing"
Just awesome.
So all of this talk of cross-eyedness makes me think of something funny I read yesterday.
I read Perez Hilton every day for some reason. Multiple times a day. And I don't know why I read his site because, let's face it, Tyler Durden and dlisted and far funnier. But I do. Anyway, I was checking up on his new postings and saw a picture of Radiohead. Yippee! I go on to read what he posts and it basically says that Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails are supposed to be headlining Lollapalooza this year and wouldn't that be great... if it were 10 years ago. He then called them irrelevant.
After getting over the initial shock of the fact that Lollapalooza still exists (is the Lillith Fair still rolling around and I don't know about this?) I realized... he just dissed Radiohead!!! Like, hardcore. They're irrelevant? Coming from a man who creams his shorts over the Spice Girls... Radiohead is irrelevant?
I noticed that there were over 1,000 posts in response and I started to read some of them. (And here's where this post is relevant to the whole lazy eye thing) One person wrote that Thom Yorke has more talent in his lazy eye than Perez has in his entire elephantine body. Hee hee - that was funny. Anyway, it's true. Thom's living proof that a little wonk can go a long way. There's hope yet for Dannielynn... Paris, not so much.
Almost 3 years ago Kurt Andersen insulted my work, "But none of the magazines (as opposed to the tabloids) seems gratuitously mean about stars except in the interest of reassuring the reader that celebrities are almost as flawed and ordinary as she is. In the Us Weekly photo section called “Stars—They’re Just Like Us!” every headline repeats the mantra as a kind of retard haiku: “They buy groceries!” (Anna Kournikova) and “They bite into hoagies!” (Nicole Richie)."
I decided to strike back!
---
From: Carolyn
Sent: Friday, April 7, 2006 6:42 PM
To: Albert
Subject: FW: kurt andersen's celebrity death watch
btw, acording to kurt i write "retard haiku."
----------
From: Albert
Sent: Friday, April 7, 2006 6:44 PM
To: Carolyn
Subject: RE: kurt andersen's celebrity death watch
i know - isn't it amazing?!
----------
From: Carolyn
Sent: Friday, April 7, 2006 6:56 PM
To: Albert
Subject: RE: kurt andersen's celebrity death watch
a shopping cart –
even Oprah must push
metal wheels on pavement
----------
From: Albert
Sent: Friday, April 7, 2006 6:56 PM
To: Janice
Janice, I think we MUST send Carolyn's "retard haiku" to Kurt Andersen. Don't you think?!!!!
--------
of course it was never sent. but i saved this anyway. so next time you read JLU, remember it's art. xoxc
I truly love you guys. Best comments section ever. Even Kurt Andersen can't argue with that.
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