Trainspottings

1. Young woman, late twenties, super-highlighted hair, T-shirt that says THE DRAMA STARTS HERE. Make mental note that I don't think I want her to be my friend.

2. Youngish man, possibly mid-thirties, listening calmly to iPod, wearing T-shirt that says LIVE WELL, EAT OUT OFTEN. T-shirt is illustrated by generic male and female figures, the kind found on public restroom doors, the ones with the detached circle heads, performing mutual oral favors on each other.

3. Young girl, late teens or early twenties, super-thick acrylic nails tapping Day-Glo green iPod cover, iPod blasting Maroon 5, make mental note to strangle myself for knowing that. Once train rolls outdoors onto the bridge, young girl opens phone and dials number (with difficulty, as length of acrylics dictates that she can only use the pads of her thumbs) and begins brief but passionate conversation about how she did not tell "her" to "fuck off." Relief ensues.

4. Young individual, indeterminate gender and ethnicity, Federline cornrows, pierced chin, oversize Mets jersey, copious amounts of jewelry, handheld videogaming device, swagger. Am convinced I will get shanked. Midway through train ride, Young Individual sneezes. I bless. Young Individual says:

"Thank you! There's so much dust and I can't stop sneezing! It was warm and then it was cold and then it rained and now [flutters front of jersey in fanlike motion] I'm dying!"

The rest of the ride was an intense discussion of the Weather Channel (Young Individual is OBSESSED) and crime-solving (Young Individual would like to be a homicide detective, attends a criminal justice college, has solved two cases unassisted, and says that forensic science is "all in the mind so you gotta be focused").

I love Young Individual.

Conversation ends with a "good luck!" and a "thanks!" Gender and ethnicity still unknown.

* A note on bold message T-shirts: You can't sit on a train with your bosom declaring that you're drama or with your chest emblazoned with stick-figure cunnilingus/fellatio and just do nothing. You have to BE the T-shirt. You have to OWN your statement. Otherwise, you look completely ridiculous. (Relatively speaking, I mean.) Drama looked like she could have been knitting some comfy socks. (She DID have a look on her face that expressed concern that those of us on the train might not actually believe that the drama starts with her directly, so I was hoping she'd throw something at someone's head, just to prove her point.) And Well-Liver, Often-Eat-Outer looked like he was just trying to decompress after a long, stressful day at the brokerage firm.

I suppose that's what Kevin Federline is for, then: When he wore that hat that said ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT, he, like, totally did.