vaginavaginavaginapantiespantiespanties
You are all SICK, do you know that?
It is simply astonishing how much blog traffic I've gotten since I titled a post "Britney Spears's Vagina." I mean, it's a lot more hits. A whole lot. All of you chotch-chasers are just dirty motherfuckers, aren't you?
Oh, who am I to judge? I saw those photos, I Googled them myself. And I had dinner last night with my fabulous friend Scott who is an actor and a playwright and his play is getting produced and I'm going to require that all of you in the tri-state area attend his play in February. Just so you know. Thanks. Anyway, conversation with Scott is always gripping and fun and runs the gamut, but I did bemoan that I spent too much time thinking of vaginal euphemisms for that post.
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I really wanted to use 'snatch' but I just hate that word."
"Oh, I like that word!"
"I do like 'cooter.' I'm glad I used 'cooter.'"
Along those lines, does anybody know the proper spelling of "chotch"? I wouldn't want to misspell something so klassy.
And also along those lines, James, Jessica and I got into a "words we hate" debate today. Jessica came over to my desk:
JESSICA: Do you know which word I hate?
ME: Which one?
JESSICA: [leans in and whispers, because she can't even say it out loud] p ... a ... n ... t ... i ... e ... s ...
ME: Ew! I hate panties!
JESSICA: Uck! Don't say it!
ME: Panties is so gross. I hate slacks too, but I'd rather say "underslacks" than "panties."
JESSICA: I also hate "quivering." Ew!
ME: Quivering is so dime-store novel.
JAMES: Hey, are you guys talking about words you hate?
ME: Yeah!
JAMES: You know what word I hate? Panties!
JESSICA: We were just saying that!
JAMES: I hate those Victoria's Secret commercials where they say it, like, 100 times, and the person has a fake British accent.
ME: Pahnties pahnties pahnties.
JAMES: Yeah.
ME: I hate the word lunch.
JESSICA: Really? Why?
ME: I just think it sounds so ... LUNCH. And cake. And I like the word salad, but not when it's tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad. Salad has to stand alone to not be gross.
JESSICA: So what do you do? Do you just say, "I'm going to get something to eat"?
ME: No, I do say that I'm getting lunch, but I don't like it. I think the worst sentence in the world is: I'm eating a tuna salad sandwich for lunch.
Stephanie just called me to tell me her new job gave her a beeper. She's SO getting suspended from school.
It is simply astonishing how much blog traffic I've gotten since I titled a post "Britney Spears's Vagina." I mean, it's a lot more hits. A whole lot. All of you chotch-chasers are just dirty motherfuckers, aren't you?
Oh, who am I to judge? I saw those photos, I Googled them myself. And I had dinner last night with my fabulous friend Scott who is an actor and a playwright and his play is getting produced and I'm going to require that all of you in the tri-state area attend his play in February. Just so you know. Thanks. Anyway, conversation with Scott is always gripping and fun and runs the gamut, but I did bemoan that I spent too much time thinking of vaginal euphemisms for that post.
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I really wanted to use 'snatch' but I just hate that word."
"Oh, I like that word!"
"I do like 'cooter.' I'm glad I used 'cooter.'"
Along those lines, does anybody know the proper spelling of "chotch"? I wouldn't want to misspell something so klassy.
And also along those lines, James, Jessica and I got into a "words we hate" debate today. Jessica came over to my desk:
JESSICA: Do you know which word I hate?
ME: Which one?
JESSICA: [leans in and whispers, because she can't even say it out loud] p ... a ... n ... t ... i ... e ... s ...
ME: Ew! I hate panties!
JESSICA: Uck! Don't say it!
ME: Panties is so gross. I hate slacks too, but I'd rather say "underslacks" than "panties."
JESSICA: I also hate "quivering." Ew!
ME: Quivering is so dime-store novel.
JAMES: Hey, are you guys talking about words you hate?
ME: Yeah!
JAMES: You know what word I hate? Panties!
JESSICA: We were just saying that!
JAMES: I hate those Victoria's Secret commercials where they say it, like, 100 times, and the person has a fake British accent.
ME: Pahnties pahnties pahnties.
JAMES: Yeah.
ME: I hate the word lunch.
JESSICA: Really? Why?
ME: I just think it sounds so ... LUNCH. And cake. And I like the word salad, but not when it's tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad. Salad has to stand alone to not be gross.
JESSICA: So what do you do? Do you just say, "I'm going to get something to eat"?
ME: No, I do say that I'm getting lunch, but I don't like it. I think the worst sentence in the world is: I'm eating a tuna salad sandwich for lunch.
Stephanie just called me to tell me her new job gave her a beeper. She's SO getting suspended from school.
Labels: dirty, friends, grammar, pop culture, work
posted by Marla at 6:04 PM
11 Comments:
Panties is a horrific word! Lacy underthings, please. When I was away I saw a store called a Ladies Shop. It was across from the hotel. I referred to it as a "shop for ladies" in a cockney accent. It killed!
You totally could have gone with "giners" (vagina minus the "va"). It's an option.
giners is a good one. buts i always call it my hoochy.
to devil's advocate: panties is a wonderful word to utter derisively. ie, nothing funnier than telling a guy to keep his panties on. just sayin'.
Wow. Giners. I might love that more than cooch. Brilliant! And hoochy is a classic. You can't go wrong with hoochy.
I read something yesterday in which a woman called it her "Britney." As in, "She twirled, the dress blew up, and there was her Britney." Or: "Good god, woman! Put away your Britney!" Had me laughing for a good 10 minutes.
Please tell me that A Ladies Shop was next door to a maternity store called In a Married Way, which was across the street from a sex-toy store called Knowing Biblically, which was a block away from a drugstore that sells sanitary napkins. Prudeism is fun! Especially in cockney! Cuz you can't spell cockney without manhood!
Lisa is absolutely right: Many gnarly words are made fabulous in context. Men + panties = comedy gold. Or:
BAD:
This Duncan Hines cake is so moist!
GOOD:
Did you see that picture of Taye Diggs? I'm positively moist!
I love my readers. This blog may lack many things (a point, for one), but I will never, ever regret doing it, if for no other reason than that you guys are maintaining an ongoing conversation about noonie euphemisms. I love you all.
girl, lets talk about some taye diggs. he moist everywhere ain't he? mmm hmm. he is fyne. and by fine i'm talking about perfect. can i gets me a amen?
Amen! I'm not kidding: I named my cell phone Taye Diggs. When I turn it on, the first thing that pops up on the screen is his name.
Getting back to "Britney"...it reminds me of the Sex & The City episode where Charlotte refers to her vagina as her "Rebecca" in sex therapy she takes with Trey. Classic episode. Trey, of course, refers to his penis as his "schooner".
what should we call mr taye diggs' personals?
yo nicole richie weighs 85 pounds
Rebecca and Schooner. Makes me laugh every time.
Also? Taye Diggs's personals should be called Wonder Bits.
Nicole Richie needs to eat several large sandwiches.
And Waz? The blog road trip is GENIUS. I always felt like Princess Diana was my BFF because Duran Duran was our favorite band and we SO bonded that way. If a) Elton John wasn't performing, and b) tickets hadn't sold out in a millisecond, I'd be asking for permission slips from everybody and we'd be on our way to Wembley, for sure. Thanks for looking out for me! Yet another reason why I love you.
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