My resolution for you is to read this.
So here’s an idea:
New Year’s resolutions for other people. Or, as Justin says, “Christmas presents for yourself, New Year’s resolutions for other people.”
This is how it came about:
ME: I can’t believe she said that.
LISA: I know! Why would somebody say that?
ME: Ugh, just shut the fuck up, you know?
LISA: Really. It’s like, “It sucks that you’re stupid.”
ME: That’s it. For 2007, people should just shut the fuck up.
It makes perfect sense: Nobody ever keeps their own resolutions, but they spend an inordinate amount of time working extra-hard to inflict their wishes on everyone else. So why not make them a formal request? And turn it into a rousing holiday tradition? And on TV for years to come, you’ll watch overcaffeinated reporters interview celebrities, asking what resolutions they’re making for their nearest and dearest — and total strangers. Like this:
Ryan Seacrest (who, at age 86, will still be doing red-carpet interviews for E!): You look great! Who are you wearing?
Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment: The jacket is Hugo Boss and the skirt is Dustin Hoffman.
Ryan Seacrest: Fabulous! Hahahahahahaha! So, Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment, what are your resolutions for 2060? Anything for your new adoptive stepfather, Haley?
Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment: Well, Ryan, I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I really want Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette to stop calling me.
Ryan Seacrest: I can see how that would be a problem! Hahahahahaha! Anything else?
Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment: I would like for that guy over there [points to a spectator in the crowd] to invest in marshmallow Peeps. Now that President Flav has declared them necessary sustenance to survive the effects of the depleted ozone layer, stock is gonna go through the roof. And, you know, it’s a really great product. I just think a wise investment will be good for that particular guy this year.
So my question to you is this: What are your resolutions for other people? You'd like Aunt Marge to assert herself more? It's time for the kid across the street to retire his light-up shoes? Be specific, be general, but don’t be shy. And please don’t let them be about me.
New Year’s resolutions for other people. Or, as Justin says, “Christmas presents for yourself, New Year’s resolutions for other people.”
This is how it came about:
ME: I can’t believe she said that.
LISA: I know! Why would somebody say that?
ME: Ugh, just shut the fuck up, you know?
LISA: Really. It’s like, “It sucks that you’re stupid.”
ME: That’s it. For 2007, people should just shut the fuck up.
It makes perfect sense: Nobody ever keeps their own resolutions, but they spend an inordinate amount of time working extra-hard to inflict their wishes on everyone else. So why not make them a formal request? And turn it into a rousing holiday tradition? And on TV for years to come, you’ll watch overcaffeinated reporters interview celebrities, asking what resolutions they’re making for their nearest and dearest — and total strangers. Like this:
Ryan Seacrest (who, at age 86, will still be doing red-carpet interviews for E!): You look great! Who are you wearing?
Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment: The jacket is Hugo Boss and the skirt is Dustin Hoffman.
Ryan Seacrest: Fabulous! Hahahahahahaha! So, Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment, what are your resolutions for 2060? Anything for your new adoptive stepfather, Haley?
Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment: Well, Ryan, I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I really want Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette to stop calling me.
Ryan Seacrest: I can see how that would be a problem! Hahahahahaha! Anything else?
Maddox Jolie-Pitt-Thornton-Osment: I would like for that guy over there [points to a spectator in the crowd] to invest in marshmallow Peeps. Now that President Flav has declared them necessary sustenance to survive the effects of the depleted ozone layer, stock is gonna go through the roof. And, you know, it’s a really great product. I just think a wise investment will be good for that particular guy this year.
So my question to you is this: What are your resolutions for other people? You'd like Aunt Marge to assert herself more? It's time for the kid across the street to retire his light-up shoes? Be specific, be general, but don’t be shy. And please don’t let them be about me.
Labels: philosophical whatnots, pop culture
posted by Marla at 8:17 PM
7 Comments:
I think you are losing it my dear
uhh...what?
Lag, you of all people should know I lost it a long time ago. My resolution for you is to remember that when I say something wacked.
oh, girl. what's this about now?
oh, girl. what's this about now?
I'm just playing. Lag is my youngest sister, Lauren.
foe real? oh that's nise.
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